Reigate - Skimmington Castle

Reigate - Skimmington Castle
Tuesday 29 October

Bridge Under Troubled Waters and a real T.B.

Walkers: Farty, T.B., 8 Legs, Windy,  Mrs P., another Mrs P.,  - Lil and Clat - wow a full house
Distance: Less than 5 miles
Find of the Walk: a route which wasn't blocked or flooded.

How marvellous, so many of us gathered and ready for action . What a gathering, what a job for T.B. - all these women - how will he cope?  After many weeks of bits and bobs of us, we were finally en masse, and ready for action. It's been a while since we were all together, what with one thing and another, and last week was off, due to the weather, and Farty and T.B. were at a funeral that day anyway.  The other Mrs P, is Jane, who has walked with us before.

Farty was sporting her brand new boots, kindly fitted by Dan, who ran his hands over her feet and ankles, and up and down her legs (50 shades of hey).  After an hour of this, she left the shop (or was she asked to leave?),.. with her purchase, and today is not the best for trying to keep them clean.  Clat is brandishing her new water bottle (a considered QVC purchase), which has already been likened to a colostomy bag, but it has a useful clip on it.

The recent near-hurricane and heavy rains have left their mark, so it was time to go see what the results were.  We were immediately entrenched in mud - a good christening for das boots, and headed westwards, over sodden grounds and lots of fallen trees and branches.  A locked gate then told us that our normal route was now out of action, and we had to find a way round, which kind of took us the wrong way, and we ended up near the river.  This is where we found that the bridge was submerged, the area looking like a mangrove swamp,  so a turning round was performed, which meant straddling a metal gate - talk about assault course. 

Here we bumped into two chaps walking their dogs, and told them their intended passage wasn't possible.  We had quite a chat, then discovered one of them really did have initials of T.B. - and the number 3 on his baseball cap - I don't know either. Our route altered, we then chanced upon a huge oak which had toppled from its once glorious splendour and been reduced to a wreck, and amongst this we found a man.  He had been sent to dismantle said tree, and was displaying an array of chain saws.  Apparently,  these were not big enough for the job, and he had had to order a 36" one - "but don't tell the wife".  He was on an hourly rate, and in no hurry to finish the job, or even start it, for that matter.  We left him to it, came upon a range of farm buildings, which contained 8 labrador retrievers, having a grand old time, and were allowed to view 10 puppies , only a month old.  Farty informed us that bitches (don't go there), have 8 nipples, so what happens to the other pups?  This word is also another term for bosoms in some circles.  Confused?  I hope so. 

We had a refreshment break - Mrs P produced some wonderful flapjacks, Minnie displayed her paw nails painted in poodle pink and looked marvellous against her black fur, and T.B. said he had been to see a specialist "The King of the Penis", who asked him if he was taking precautions, as, in our age group, sexual diseases are on the rise (if you'll pardon the pun).  I take precautions - I always look 3 times before I cross the road - ha ha ha ha ha.

We approached a part of Reigate golf course - ladies day today, and we were waved through

by  a woman with two plums in her mouth, judging by her accent, and came to a windmill which had been de-bladed.  Eventually we were back at  the pub, and the intention was to do a figure of 8, which meant that some walkers could break off here, and the others could carry on.  Well, as it happens, everyone stopped , hence the short mileage - the temptation for lunch (for some!) was too strong.

The publican lady was very accommodating and helpful.  It was busy so we had to sit at two separate tables, but soon connected, once the bloke at the middle table had finished his cheese board. Provincial Mrs P then got her i pad out and showed us some marvellous pics of her African abode, with her many visitors - nyala, rhinos, big birds, a giraffe (they have very long and blue tongues, which reminds me of an ex) and told us that a hyena arrived whilst she was having a bath. Badedas has a different effect out there apparently.

Windy showed us a clipping of an ex BCAL girl who appeared in yesterday's Daily Mail - accusing a golfer of cheating, by all accounts - it's amazing what we get to talk about.  However, the food was gorgeous - piping hot, tasty, and plenty of it.  Full marks all round I reckon, and eventually we departed and headed for home. 
Next week, we shall probably go to Tandridge - see you there, then!

Warnham - The Sussex Oak

Walkers: Eight legs, Farty, TB , Me.

Distance: 7 miles (some of it at high speed)

Hips and Hoars/whores.  (Tiltle courtesy of Mon)

Speaking of which, Sue and Chris were sporting their Dubarry boots (as worn by Pippa Middleton).  There was an article about them recently which mentioned they were named after Madame Dubarry who was one of Louis XV's mistresses.  Sue and Chris said they had no problem with this, and often strolled around wearing just the boots and a garter.

Sue, Chris and I had arrived early, and the smell of bacon butties was wafting through the air, coming from the butchers.  We like a good butcher's shop, and popped in, buying an array of goodies.  The locals must wonder who ate all the pies.

 

It was a gorgeous sunny autumnal day, with indeed many hips and hoars.  Farty has been busy making apple jelly using old apples with wrinkled skin and not much flavour.  I know the feeling.  Quite muddy today after all the rain, and we slithered along.  Not too much to report today, (well not walkwise - no change there, I hear you say!), other than lovely views, and a flock of pheasants being reared for a grisly end, feeding from what looked like Apollo 12.  They flapped off on seeing us, the unpleasant pheasants, but they may have feared we were pluckers.

It was getting on for 12 o'clock, and as luck would have it,we came upon The Chequers at Rowhook and felt a coffee break coming on, which we had sitting in the warm sunshine.  TB told us of the recent challenge from his photo club, asking for pics of unusual shapes.  We offered to pose but he declined.  Farty mentioned she'd recently bought a chimney umbrella.  I hardly liked to ask.  Apparently, you shove it up your flue, open it up, and it prevents descending debris.  I think it's made by Tena Lady.  You have to wonder if there's something in the water at Carshalton.  TB and Farty are recovering from a martini-fuelled visit by Uncle Martin from Canada, which was a great success, but they're still feeling a bit liverish.  Time to press on, and soon we were passing Farlington Girls school, where it was break time.  The girls were entranced with Minnie, and rushed over, causing Minnie to flatten herself to the ground in panic.  "My sister and I used to play hockey here when we were young" said Sue cheerily.  The girls looked uncertain at this news, after all, we were all clearly 98, this must have been pre-war.  The thought of Sue and Chris bullying off in navy knickers was all too much for the girls and they shuffled off.  Strangely they were wearing kilts with the same tartan that I used to wear at Bcal.  (Hunting Thomson, ye ken), but I didn't mention it as they were still reeling from Sue's hockey revelations. 

At this point we were panicking as we were behind schedule and didn't want to miss last orders for lunch.  Perhaps we could break into a trot, ventured Sue and Chris.  Honestly, what's wrong with these girls, I've only just re-set my hip after last week.  At this point we'd lost TB who'd stopped for a lavatree break.  We thought about phoning him, but decided he might not be hands free.  Eventually he emerged, and we took off at high-ish speed with Benny Hill (TB) bringing uo the rear.  We made it with minutes to spare.  The stress!  The pub seems to be back on track, and the fish and chips, pies, and fish pie got 9/10.  We were starting to flag, and Minnie(GI Jane), wearing her combat jacket, was fatigued in her fatigues, so it was time to make a move.

Farty and TB can't be with us next week as they're attending a funeral.  (Mary, the old lady who could be a bit "difficult").  Apparently she didn't want a fuss, and there aren't any undertakers involved, so we're afraid she'll be parcelled up and delivered to the crematorium by DSL and sent down a chute on to the dais!  We look forward to a report the following week.  Mrs. P. is having root treatment (hair) next week, but Clat and Lil are back from Portsmouth, so there may be a Clat-led walk hips permitting.  Thankyou for providing all the funnies, if there weren't any I might have to talk about contour lines!  See you soon,  Love Wend xx

Crawley Down - The Royal Oak

The Royal Oak, Crawley Down.

Me and Sue and a dog named Blue (well, Minnie)

                                                

We think we did about 5 miles but we're not sure.  I swear it was more, naturally.

 Sue and I, being the only 2 of our group available this week, decided to meet at the Cowdray Arms for a walk.  What could possibly go wrong.....En route my phone rang.  It was Sue sounding worried.  I was thinking all sorts.  "The Cowdray Arms has been reduced to a pile of rubble" she said.  Well I didn't see that coming.  Perhaps I exagerate (Moi?), but it's definitely having a refurb.   What to do?  We racked our brains and decided on Crawley Down.  (The thought of the local butcher was the clincher).  We met up, and after a coffee, obviously, set off along the Worth Way. At least there was no danger of us getting lost, although you never know.  It was a lovely day and people were walking dogs, all very friendly, and we had a chat with a couple with a Pomeranian.Minnie had never seen anything like it, and barked furiously.  Unfortunately the Pom was deaf, so could only see Minnie's mouth opening and closing, but he got the gist and joined in loudly, not having any volume control.  Quite a few cyclists were on the track, not our favourite people, But they were amazingly polite today, thanking us for getting out of the way.  Some rang their bells!  What a charming area.  We were hoping to reach Worth, but didn't quite make it as Sue's Mum was having a flu jab that afternoon and we didn't want to be late so about turned.  At this point Sue upped the pace.  "Come on!" she cried, "take longer strides!".  Easy for her to say, nearly dislocated a hip.  We talked about a possible blog, and I wondered if Sue could send TB some pics from her phone.  She looked aghast.  You'll just have to picture the scene, track, embankments, bridges etc.  TB may insert pics from somewhere else just to break this up! 

 Back at the pub we had bangers(from the butcher) and mash which were very good.  Good news on the decorating front at Sue's.  He's finished!  Hoorah!  The next project is new curtains.  Sue is understandably worried after all the problems up to now.  Will they fit, will they be long enough?  Tune in next week for the next instalment.  Judging from the pics, the house looks great and is going to be featured in the next issue of Ideal Home. 

See you next week, love Wend xx

Uncle Martin from Toronto