Withyham, The Dorset Arms

Tues 26th February.

Meandering with un petit choux.

Walkers: Sue, Chris, Farty, TB, Mrs P, (nice to see her again), Wind.

Distance: 6 1/2 miles

 

Find of the walk: A wooly hat.

A blustery cold day as usual as we gathered at the Dorset Arms.  We are now sick of winter and relentless grey skies.  Relentless grey should be on the Farrow and Ball colour chart. Mrs P and yours truly had their heads in the car boot gathering their walking gear, bums in the air, when TB approached from behind.  (In the car).  " I could tell it was you without seeing your faces" he said. Cheek.  Four cheeks.  Mon had kindly mapped out a route for us, and off we went immediately taking the wrong path.  So soon!  Farty said we could carry on, but it would mean missing the railtrack.  Faces fell.  Well mine did.  I like railways.  Have I mentioned the district line? Yes!  Shuuup!  We started again and found ourselves walking along an incredibly meandering river. Almost ox bow lakes for the geographically inclined.  A tributary of the Medway apparently.  Then we were on the railtrack, that's better, a continuation of the Forest Way which links up to the Worth Way.  So you could walk from Worth to Groombridge.  Not today thank you.  We passed a man on a bike with a purple face and yellow labrador.  One of my favourite colour combos. He was an excitable boy, running round our legs and the dog was quite friendly too.

Withyham Station 2013

Withyham Station in the 1960's

After a while (I'm sorry,you know I don't do miles and directions) we came upon the old Withyham station now a des res.  (Withyham was a railway station on the Three Bridges to Tunbridge Wells Central Line which closed in 1967, a casualty of the Beeching Axe.) It had an incredibly long platform. Did the Flying Scotsman use this line?  Mrs P and I came over all nostalgic. Again.  Mrs P used to live near a railway cutting,and as you know, I grew up with a track at the bottom of the garden.  The district line.  I may have mentioned this.  Carrying on, we spotted Cherry Farm organic shop.  We couldn't resist.  In we went and Farty bought some meatballs which we hoped were pork,and an amazing looking January King cabbage, purple and green, a bit like my face at the end of a walk.  Outside a huge Bentley had pulled up.  The driver got out, a stick thin woman with huge trout pout.  TB didn't think women should be allowed to drive such vehicles.  In her case we had to agree as the steering wheel must have been completely obscured by her enormous lips.

The few stiles we came across today were quite high, involving some straddling.  This reminded Farty of when her pubic bone, (Mon's Mound, it's not everyone that gives it a name) was more padded.  Redistribution of fat.  Tell me about it!  At Farty's yoga class they pivot on their pubic bone,which is a neat trick if you can manage it.  I hadn't heard of this manoeuver.  Well not in a yoga class.  Maybe in Bangkok?.....

Time for a break,which was taken by the Uckfield "Express" line.  Excitement was growing for Mrs P and I as a train was due.  Suddenly it appeared, but blink and you missed it, being only 2 carriages long.  Hardly the Tokyo bullet train.  On we went over a bridge spanning the river.  All around were special platforms (clapper bridge- classically, clapper bridges were built near fords, situating them close to established paths, and some were quite large.) enabling people to keep dry during floods.  We've got drains up our way sniffed Farty.  We know our place in the provinces.  The footpath led us through a farm which had a stern notice from farmer James asking people to avoid walking on his crops.  We tried but they did help us get a grip in the mud. Next stop was Balls Green.......Let's not go there.  At this point Farty said we could do some road walking to the pub or take a slightly longer off-road route.  It was a tough decision,and reluctantly we took the road.

Back at the Dorset Arms we were greeted by the friendly landlady who led us to a table next to a huge fireplace.  Luckily it wasn't lit,we know what Sue's like when she feels hot and hemmed in.  Bit like working in world traveller.  A jug of water was produced for us while we perused the menu.  We like that sort of thing.  Either side of the fireplace were 2 small doors.  Priest holes, we wondered?  But then realised they had to be discreet,not covered in ornate carvings and elaborate knockers.  I don't know how I'm restraining myself,Clat wouldn't!  On the wall above our table was what looked like an old door bell,just waiting to be pressed.  TB wondered if it was made of wood or bakelite.  I'm not sure why that was important,must be a boy thing.  We asked the landlady what would happen if we pressed it.  Nothing,she said.  A lot of us have unresponsive buttons like that.

 

While waiting for our food,and after taking his blood pressure tablets,TB steeled himself to read the Daily Mail,full as usual of seedy old blokes and inappropriate groping.  Reminded us of our flying days.  You didn't hear us complain. Some of us were quite grateful.  We wondered what sort of groping would be appropriate.  Luckily the food arrived before a full rant developed.

 

The food was excellent,a little more expensive than usual,but worth it.  Thank you Mon,good choice.  Next week TBA, probably more northerly!  Sorry, has this gone on a bit?  Once you start.....

Love Wend xx

Ashurst Wood - The 3 Crowns

Tuesday 19th February

 A Wander Down Windy's Parts

Walkers:  Farty, T.B., Windy, 2 Legs,  .  Trish joinlil and Clat.  Trish joined us for lunch - Happy New Year  Mrs P. !! Distance 6 1/4 miles

Find of the Walk:  A rugby ball, a pair of wellies, and a discarded bike - some of this will not be on show, cos T.B. had an equipment mal-function, so that even his back-up camera equipment failed - it happens.
What a beautiful day - bright and clear, and after a frost and fog, it became truly scrumptious (as Mary Poppins would say, or was it Bert?)  Farty and Clat had designed today to be long and linear, on the old Sussex railway track, thus avoiding the mud and wetness - it worked.   The pub is open all day from, it appears 0900 - brilliant, so we could get some light relief and have a coffee before setting off.
At first, it was muddy, but once we were 'on-line' (tee hee) it was plain-sailing and a good pace soon developed.  T.B.  or rather, Fingers Malone, was having a bit of trouble with some of his digits today but overcame this hurdle and got snapping - his malaise from last week has ended, thank goodness.  Along the way, we met lots of activity in the shape of walkers, runners, dogs, cyclists - don't get me started on their lack of bells, or even voicing a warning of their impending approach from behind  Various maori-style posts along the way, tell you how far you have come and how far you have to go..  It is half-term this week, but nevertheless it was good to see so many children outside rather than inside, stuck to the controls of a gadget.

Timed  to perfection, we had a break, carried on, then turned round, viewing the views from the opposite direction.  Actually, we could see a lot more at this time of year, due to lack of leaves - we got back to base in good time - so lovely and warm in the sunshine, and got into pub mode.  There were log fires burning, and the c.h. was on - excellent.  Various menus were offered, including two mains for £5 - which didn't mean one person ate two meals but one each - a bargain!!  There was also a good blackboard menu, as well as the usual - we were spoilt for choice.

Trish arrived, looking glamorously coiffed and a vision in pink - she even ordered a drink to match - she is a very co-ordinated woman.  We updated with her, and then the food arrived, and really good it was too.  This is a definite return venue menu.   T.B. then produced a slip of paper with a picture of a man modelling a mankini - apparently he wants one for his birthday - April 10th   Also displayed was penis pasta and other male 'interests' - is this a side-effect of digit trouble? He then went on to tell a few jokes, and proceeded to give us a quiz - in fact, the Daily Mail hardly got a look in.

Well, all good things come to an end, and ours was nigh, so we paid, upped, and left.
Next week Farty will be manning the helm as Lil and Clat are off to the seaside.  Roger and out.

Warnham - The Sussex Oak

Tuesday 12th February

What Mud?

Walkers:  Farty, T.B., 4 Legs, Windy, Lil and Clat. and, surprise surprise Minnie!  Sally joined us for lunch - and was presented with her calendar.
 Find of the walk: a pair of striking turquoise glasses - sadly, wrong prescription for Farty.
 Distance: 6 1/2 miles

It were a right raw mornin' and the cold were stappin' the vitals - perfect for a walk, some might say.  We  parked and went to the lovely butchers and looked at his meat.  We bought some of his meat, and some of us had him keep our meat until we met ,again.

Farty and Clat, had chatted about this proposed riverside walk, in the hopes that we wouldn't encounter mud, but we were so wrong.  Even in the built-up areas, it was boggy and flooded - we have had so much rain lately. Off we went,  straight into heavy heavy mud, and within minutes, a crafty bramble claimed it's first victim - Farty.  With a thud and a thwack (similar to the sound of the arrow hitting the wood in the cider advert), she was downed, and landed in a near-perfect warrior- pose position (guess who has just started doing yoga?)
She recovered quickly from this  human venus flytrap plant, and altho, covered in mud from the knees down, she valiantly continued.  What was meant to be a shortcut to the river path, turned into a tricky orienteering exercise, but we got there in the end.

The River Arun wanders and bumbles its way round Horsham, and the total walk is 11 miles and would be much better without mud.  We  spotted clumps of snowdrops and some huge areas of wild garlic already in leaf - and sooo early this year.  Lots of new housing is going up and we meandered a bit too far,  but after cutting a swathe through a new-build area , we came out at Tesco - every little helps.

An underpass got us safely across the busy main roads here, and we were in the outskirts of Warnham.  Farty had a chat to tree fellers (there is a joke there somewhere), and as time was against us, we took a straight-line approach to get back to base.

The pub wasn't very busy - we sorted ourselves out, and ordered our food - which was brilliant value as we had vouchers for bog-offs.  We were replete, and after a beverarge (as Alison in The Hotel pronounces it), we left.  Minnie has a doggie -date at the boudoir, and will emerge clipped, fluffed and manicured - something I need to have done, but I draw the line at having my anal glands squeezed - ooo matron.

Next week, bearing in mind this wretched mud, we might be walking along the old railway line, however, all will be communicated to you after the usual Sunday night planning meeting, which goes well accompanied by a large glass of shiraz.  cheeeeeeeers everyone.

Reigate Hill - The Duke's Head

Reigate Hill April 2012

Tuesday  5th February

The Windyridge Wander, Wonder - Whatever

Walkers:  Farty, T.B., 4 Legs, Lil and Clat.  No Windy - think she has got mud-stroke - she's sick of it, and judging by our boots today, we don't blame her.  No Mrs P - see below.

We are  very sad to report that Polly's Mike, passed away last Friday.  We are at a loss as to what to say and our hearts and thoughts are with her, her family and loved ones.

Distance:  6 and 3/4 miles - done in less than 3hrs, cos there wasn't much stopping and messing about.

Find of the Walk:  We saw a hat, a Christmas decoration, and a huge lump of string, but T.B. was not in a David Bailey mode, and after all, we have loads of pics of this walk - sorry folks.

Reigate Hill April 2012

Well, to say it was windy, without Windy, was an under-statement - it fairly rocked on the top of the hill.  The car park was packed, and large groups of walkers were spotted, assembling as if to go on a protest march.  We marked their position and went the other way - fast.  The track was fairly o.k. being on chalk and all, and the wind whistled nicely through our bits and bobs.  We passed vast tracts of pushchairs, red-cheeked kids complete with runny noses, and various assortments of dogs - most going in the opposite direction to ours - good.
Last week's walk was cancelled due to the very convincing forecast from Carol at the Beeb.  She warned of continuous heavy rain from 10.00  onwards - completely wrong, but there you go, it happened.

Farty and Clat had decided to modify the walk a bit which meant no tricky descents or ascents, so we kept to the hill top areas.  We did our usual, through Margery Wood (of course she would), and over the raging M25 and towards Walton Heath.  The cold got into the vitals and discreet 'stops' were performed.  We arrived at the Sportsman to find it closed, and veered off over the Walton Heath golf course - no balls today.  Then into a thicket of woods and turning again towards the motorway once more.  Up and over we went, and then came out on the ridge further along.

The wind was behind us (oh no it wasn't), which made travelling a lot easier on the lug holes, and we eventually reached base to find it still crowded but no sign of the protest march sort of lot.  We decided to head for our fave pub The Dukes Head and were soon welcomed and seated and eated - lovely food.  Bad grammar I know, but I am trying to flow here.  Our landlady Wendy, was up to her ears  in bookwork but still found time to say hello.  Some re-furb work has been done - new seats and carpets and a new little snug complete with fireplace where some good stoking activity can take place - matron, where are you?

We actually had some sensible conversation today covering topics such as Chris Huhne, that Mitchell man, government , politics, 'don't get me started'  etc etc  No Wind, meant no Daily Mail for TB  so he joined in as well, happily replete after his meat pie and veg - a real man's meal.  We then went on to discuss vacuum cleaners - an exhilarating exchange and comparison took place, and 3 of us discovered we had the same brand - riveting!!!!  Time for the bill.  Time to go home, and time to get this posted off to our Ed.  ta ta

The Diamond - Holland

Tuesday 15th January

Fifty Shades of Mud
Walkers:  Farty, T.B., Windy, Clat and Lil.  No 4 Legs due to sorting Mum out, and no Mrs P as her roots are beckoning.  Polly's Mike is hopefully improving.

Find of the Walk:  a lovely pink bath, nestled in the woods, and a vase which Lil carefully arranged on a fence post.

Miles:  5 1/2 - and that took nearly 3 hours due to the very heavy-going in thick, wet , cloying mud.

A very cold day today - we assembled and awaited Wind - we rang her - 'I'm hopelessly lost' she said.  In fact, she was hopelessly lost in a road right by the pub - it happens, and apparently she had nearly driven to Belgium in her quest which shows her determination.    Our diamond geezer was knocking about and shook his head when we told him we were walking.  We set off and within minutes, a bramble had lashed out and felled T.B.  Oh dear what a mess he was in - mud everywhere and it caused seepage to his parts too.  Should he go back and wait by the roaring fire in the pub or should he continue?  He did the latter of course, and we crossed the railway line, got a wave from a train driver, and headed through some surreal woods, full of household items,  and shacks, on our northwards journey. A wee communication error here when Windy uttered the words quick Sand - so Sand quickened, but the word was quicksand which meant the ground was sinking and that meant Sand hadn't quickened at all.

A Wendy House!

Windy was trying out her new 3/4 length waterproof - very smart and getting merrily splashed with mud as we all were. Unfortunately, Farty wasn't so lucky, acquiring a Tayberry hedge tear on her sleeve.  We kept going onwards and upwards, passing a sheep with a very weird bleat, and came to our summit.  Not quite the very top, but time had to be kept - the pub stops food at 2.  A quick break, in many ways, as Lil was trying to emerge from her rucsack and needed assistance.  Time to move on.  Very soon we came to Windy's Wendy House, with magnificent views - lucky girl.  We passed big old Caxton House and a downwards trajectory (get that). Caxton House was constructed in the early 1900s as a convalescent home for the printing trade and was converted into individual apartments in the late 1960s. We got a little lost in a farm which was covered in signs saying 'no path' but none saying 'path' , but we found our way in the end - honestly, what is it with these folks?  Farty helped herself to the large amounts of sheeps wool on the fences which apparently is good for keeping El Slugo (after all they are Spanish) away from her hostas - this in not a euphemism.

A fair bit of lane-walking followed which was good for cleaning boots and speeding-up a bit.  A right turn took us into a field, with an electric fence to cross - after all this is the steeplechase season.  All was going well until Farty failed in this mission and toppled into the mud.  Clat was of no help at all as she was doubled-up with laughter, trying hard not to be put on the incontinent plan. Windy, who was trying to help, thoughtfully trod on Farty's glasses which were then buried in the mud.  What are we like?  Normal? service resumed.

The Diamond

So by now, we had Sherpa Tensing and Nanook of the North in our group - in various degrees of mud and wetness - and in serious need of a bath - but not the pink one in the woods. Thankfully we made it back to the pub in one piece and soon got sorted and sat - towels were used for the two members of the Turkish mud-wrestling team.  A very warm welcome, excellent food, and delicious prices - we shall come again.  Diamond geezer came and chatted to us, and the whole ambulance was good.
A BIG THANK YOU to T.B. for our lovely calendars - his masterpiece appears in September and was taken on a walk in Leigh.  Those missing will get theirs next week, once we have sorted our walk venue, so until then we wish you a warm, mud-free week.

Sally's Birthday Lunch: Little Bay, Croydon

The Duke's Head - Walton the Heath

Tuesday  8th January 2013

Are We Organised? - Of Course Not!!!!

Walkers: Farty,T.B, 4 Legs, Windy, Lil and Clat,  Sally unable to make it.
Trish neither - she has been with Polly Possibly.  P.P.'s husband is very poorly - and we all send our love, thoughts and best wishes.

Distance:  6 3/4  miles - nearly 7 and not quite 8
Find:  a golf ball with its guts ripped out, and a plug-in light, but it didn't work in T.B.'s ear - don't ask.

Well, a Happy New Year to one and all and please do a lot of carpe dieming as we really don't know what's round the corner, do we?
Our first walk of 2013 and funnily enough we chose this same venue for our first walk last year.  We set off at 1030 as planned - good, cos prior to our meet-time,  Farty and T.B. were being seen-to by Simon the plumber's son, and I think the words cock and stop were mentioned.  Hey ho, there's mud to be encountered and we certainly found plenty of that.
Over the common area (dahling) and to the Blue Ball pub which has been boarded-up - strange, as it had recently been re-furbished and seemed to be doing well, but what do we know? Our journey continued past the duck pond and onwards from the Bell p.h. before entering the woods - gossiping merrily on our way, which is usually why we get mislaid or lost sometimes.

We eventually arrived in Headley and to the Cock stop pub (see what I did there?).  It was open, we sat outside and had coffees in paper cups.  The loos were hazardous due to men working on them - not a nice smell and no cold water, so a hot flush was well out of the question.  Just before this, though, we mislaid T.B. again and he was seen heading off in the wrong direction, and had to be shouted at - all was not lost and he returned to the fold.

Refreshments over, we headed back to Headley church and came across a large gathering of ramblers munching on b-ramble jelly sandwiches and the such-like.   This is when we were asked if we were organised and of course we gave them the negative reply.  Loads of them to behold and at first we wondered if they were coming to a ramblers funeral or should i say a ramblers rest?  A few minutes later we came across another herd of them and quickly got out of their way - just imagine it, a convergence of two rambling groups at once?  and with us in the mix, it would have caused total confusion - we scrambled and got away.

We headed eastwards towards Headley Heath, and turned-off ready to go under the M25 but first a field of frisky horses had to be dealt with.  As it happens they were very friendly and nuzzly - but soon left us alone when they realised we had no food. Onwards, downwards, underneathwards, and upwards again, and we were in the village of Walton on the something or other.  We now did a bit of urban alley-way walking, noting how crammed-in some of the properties were, but Spring is definitely in the air, and the sound of birdsong was very welcome.  The bulbs are pushing through, and so were we.

Eventually we were back at our hostelry and received the usual right-royal welcome from Wendy, the landlady.  The food and service were the same high standard, and we agreed that we need to meet here more often, considering how many of our other usual haunts have gone down in our estimations.

However, next week, we are going to Holland, to meet at the Diamond and to meet the geezer properly this time.  Danku velt and watch your tulips xxxxx
 

Warnham - The Sussex Oak

The Nutcracker Suite

Tuesday 11th December

Walkers:  Farty, T.B., 2 Legs, Windy, Mrs P., Lil and Clat.  Sally came for lunch, complete with matchsticks and copious amounts of coffee - well done, on staying awake for us, after working all night back from Buenos Aires - ole.  Chris unable to make it, due hospital appts.
 Distance: meant to be about 7 miles but it went on a bit, due to what you are going to read about.
Find: our way round the map properly would have helped.
Well, after weeks of no walking as such, due to bad weather and other things going on, we decided to give December a miss.  However, due to popular demand, we re-instated  one for today - with un-popular repercussions - read on.
The weather was crisp , cold and bright - a little muddy underfoot, but then everywhere was the same.  We got going a little late, due to roadworks all over the place, and headed off into the countryside.  All went well, and the usual , familiar paths were followed.  We had a break (thks again Mrs P - you and your Aga are a dream), and confident we were going the right way- we headed into the sunshine - wrong.  A left turn was missed - it happens, but today we needed to be back for our 1.30 table, and rendezvous with Sally. 

Then the pantomime started - Clat stumbled, then tripped on her stick and went bumpety-bump on to tarmac - a bit hard - and was told to stay there, laying on her side.  Being surrounded by airline medical -trained birds is a good thing - they know what to do.  There was a bit of blood, grazing, and a large bump on the temple - soon reduced by Farty's metal water bottle.  (The bruising came out days later with black and yellow eyes and other parts - very attractive. )  Lil thought the noise was Clat stomping her feet, and turned to come and help, and in the process she lost her balance and was also on the ground - what a toodooo.   From now on Clat could blame everything on concussion, so Farty took over, and we seemed to go a bit wrong later on as well - time is ticking on - can you feel the pressure??
A little later on it was Farty's turn to tumble - and she slid gracefully into the wet and muddy ground and was turned a different colour.  Absolutely soaked and caked in mud in her nether regions, and down,  she soldiered on - time was ticking again.  A little later ,  Clat asked Farty if she knew where T.B. was - a 'phone call then alerted us to the fact that he was lost, and, Farty had lost - her glasses - oh no she didn't - oh yes she did.  We remembered last seeing T.B. taking a call in the bushes about some inks for his printer, and he had taken the wrong path afterwards - oh heck, it's all going wrong!!!

Clat (who had concussion don't forget) was then left to direct the rest of the route, whilst Farty went back to do her retrievals.  Sending two of her party into the deer park , Clat realised we were totally in the wrong place, and gathered her herd once more, and decided to road-walk the rest of the way to get back to the pub - before food service ended.  The roads were very icy and slippery, so it was a wonder that no more fallings took place. 
We hurried to the pub, changed our boots, and as we entered, we heard the landlord shouting through to the kitchen that we had finally arrived - 45 mins late, and Sally about to put her pyjamas on.
Farty and T.B also hurried, and by the skin of the kitchen-staff teeth, we ordered, and received our lovely lunches and wound down.  We ate chocs provided by Sally - thank you - and decided that never again shall we re-instate a walk.

However, we shall be organised for the new year, and we shall re-commence our activities on Tuesday 8th January, at the Dukes Head , Walton - in the meantime  WE WISH YOU A VERY HAPPY CHRISTMAS, AND A HEALTHY, FALL-FREE NEW YEAR!!!

p.s. ice packs have now been purchased and will be carried on all walks.